Where Does David’s Daddy Live? Explaining Divorce to Kids

“Where does your dad live?”

This is the question that greeted my son as he and I walked into a friend’s house a short while ago. The question was posed by a friend with whom he has grown up; a girl who knows our family well. Ours being a single parent home is a norm that has always been quietly present, an unspoken fact in the background of our get-togethers, quietly contrasting with this girl’s family dynamics. She was, for the first time, coming to the realization that our two families bear somewhat different structures and was curious enough to ask about the apparent discrepancy.

As children reach kindergarten age they begin to comprehend nuances of the world around them and to grasp more advanced ideas of what norms make up their social infrastructure. They also begin to notice discrepancies amongst these norms and to question them, as young curious minds will do. This is what happened that day when my son’s friend expressed her wonderment at never seeing his father with us. She was questioning a different family structure to that which she had become used to seeing around her and was seeking to understand it better.

Similarly, I have been approached by friends and family who are wondering how to explain the idea of divorce to their own children. As with so many questions that curious young minds learn to articulate in their early school years, this one tends to leave many parents feeling anxious and uncomfortable. In the course of discussion, parents have expressed the following concerns. What if I don’t have the answers? Will my children worry that I am going to get divorced? What happens if they take this information on divorce and begin talking to their friends about it?

What parents really want to know is this: how do I speak to my child about divorce?

This is my answer to that question:

Let your Child Take the Lead

Explaining divorce to children does not have to be the loaded topic parents often think it may become. As with many similar concepts in parenting, I encourage parents to allow their children to lead the conversation. Answer questions as they arise. This ensures that you will not overload the child with information while allowing them to come away with answers to their questions.

Provide Reassurance

A common concern that I hear from parents is the worry that their child might come to think that divorce is something that happens to all parents. Reassure your child by pointing out the ways you and your spouse care for one another. Allow them to see that when you have disagreements – as we all do – that you also make up and resolve them. Explain that just like sometimes they don’t get along with a sibling or friend but then make up, this is what you and your spouse do as well. We are all working on learning to reinforce relationships with the people we love.

Find a Divorced Friend or Family Member

If your young child’s first experience with divorce is through a friend or family member, you might ask whether your child can speak directly with them. This comes of course with a caution to please be sensitive – not all single parents will want to talk about themselves, particularly if their divorce is still fresh. If they do agree, make sure to be on hand to redirect any innocently asked, slightly too personal, queries.

Speak with your Child’s Teacher

It may be that your child first hears of divorce within the classroom as a classmate experiences their parents’ divorce. This may be a great time to get in touch with your child’s teacher. If your child is asking about divorce at home then there’s a decent chance that his or her classmates are asking similar questions as well. This might be an opening for the teacher to integrate the topic into class discussion through a storybook or similar means.

Be Open to Talking

Kids need to know that they can discuss anything with a parent. To come to you with a concern or question shows how deeply your child trusts you. Don’t skip over this conversation. Kids need information in order to provide them with a structural understanding of how the pieces of their world fit together. This is your opportunity to offer them another piece of that puzzle. All children yearn for the security of knowing that they can turn to their parents for direction. Their first introduction to the concept of divorce is no exception.

How did your child first learn what divorce is?
What questions did they have?
Please share in the comments.