Jewish Holidays After Divorce – Creating a Parenting Plan that Works

In preparing to assist Jewish clients in the work of creating effective parenting plans and schedules, it is important to understand how the Jewish holidays fit into the secular calendar. While holidays are traditionally a time of familial togetherness, a time when memories are created and shared, facing the holiday season after divorce can create feelings of stress and anxiety. By helping clients to plan accordingly, professionals can play a significant role in alleviating these concerns.

I entered the field of family mediation many years ago in the hopes of filling a gap within Toronto’s Orthodox Jewish community. At the time, I was acutely aware of the need for service providers who would be both adept within their practice area as well as versed within Jewish religious practices and family dynamics.

Since that time, colleagues have continued to engage me in conversation, inquiring and interested insofar as how to cultivate a better understanding themselves as they support Jewish clients who walk through their doors. I offer the following article in the hopes that it will allow fellow divorce service providers to guide their Jewish clients through building a holiday schedule which meets their children’s needs.

A Calendar of the Jewish Holidays

The Jewish calendar functions on what is known as a lunisolar schedule. Jewish months are tied to the moon’s growth cycle while the holidays are tied to the four seasons. Based on the lunar schedule the Jewish calendar year is generally 354 days, meaning that with each passing year the Jewish calendar falls slightly farther behind the Gregorian calendar (have you ever wondered why Rosh Hashana always comes out to a different date?). This is corrected every few years by adding an additional month to the Jewish calendar for that year, ensuring that the holidays line up with their intended season.

“For Everything there is a season…” – Ecclesiastics 3:1

Jewish holidays cannot be delayed at will but rather have to be observed on their designated date, with the Jewish holiday schedule superseding a family’s regular parenting schedule.

In preparing to mediate such matters, I routinely prepare and print out the dates during which the Jewish holidays will appear for the next five years. This provides a visual apparatus through which clients can better understand how the Jewish holidays will interplay with their regular parenting schedule. The HebCal website is a helpful resource.

Sundown to Sundown

It is worthwhile noting that the days of a Jewish calendar begin and end at sundown. For example, if one year Rosh Hashana will take place on September 23rd and 24th, it is necessary to take into account that the holiday actually begins at sundown of the day before, on the 22nd.

Further, due to the fact that the sun sets at a different time on each day of the year, holidays begin and end at varying times throughout the year, later in the summer and earlier in the winter.

A List of Major Jewish Holidays

The major Jewish holidays are as follow:

• Shabbat – The Sabbath, the Jewish holy day of rest is observed each week from sundown on Friday through Saturday night. This is a day of communal prayer, spiritual focus and family time and festive meals. Generally allocated within the regular weekly parenting schedule, it is worth noting that this day is every bit as much a holiday as those which follow;
• Rosh Hashana – The Jewish New Year lasts two days, falling between early September and early October. It is observed by attending prayer services in synagogue and enjoying festive meals together with family and friends;
• Yom Kippur – The Day of Atonement lasts one day, falling between mid-September and mid-October. This day is a 25 hour fast, spent mainly worshiping in synagogue, ending in a festive meal to conclude the fast;
• Sukkot* – The Feast of Tabernacles lasts eight days, falling between mid-September and late October. The two first days are followed by five intermediate days of somewhat lesser celebration, culminating in Shemini Atseret and Simchat Torah, which are explained below. Also known as the Jewish harvest holiday, it is celebrated by attending prayer services in synagogue and enjoying meals and ritual celebrations in makeshift huts built to commemorate the wooden huts the Jewish people lived in during biblical times while traveling to Israel after the exodus from Egypt;
• Shemini Atseret and Simchat Torah – Eighth Day / Rejoicing of the Torah. These celebrations last two days, falling between late September and late October, immediately following the intermediate days of Sukkot. These are observed by attending prayer services and dancing with the Torah scrolls in synagogue and enjoying festive meals;
• Chanuka – Festival of Lights – lasts eight days and falls sometime between late November and early January, commemorating the miracles which occurred during the Greek occupation of Israel during the First Temple Period;

  

• Purim – Purim is a festive day during which traditional readings are heard in synagogue, children dress in costume, individuals deliver care packages of food to one another as a show of good will and families gather to rejoice in a festive meal;
• Pesach*- Passover lasts eight days, falling between late March and late April. The first two and last two days are considered the “major” portions of the holiday, book-ending four intermediate days of lesser celebration. The entire holiday is spent eating unleavened bread in commemoration of the Jewish exodus from Egypt. The first two nights are celebrated with a very significant festive meal on each night, known as a Passover “seder” where the story of the exodus from Egypt is commemorated;
• Shavuot* – The Festival of Weeks is a two* day holiday celebrated between early May and mid-June commemorating the giving of the Torah at Mount Sinai. The holiday is celebrated by attending prayer services in synagogue and enjoying festive dairy meals;
• Tisha B’Av – The Fast of the Ninth of Av is a day of mourning which occurs in July or August. It is a 25 hour fast day during which Jews mourn the destruction of the first and second Temples of Jerusalem.

* Those residing in Israel celebrate the asterisked holidays for one less day than Jews of the Diaspora.

From One Generation to the Next

“And you shall tell your children…” – Exodus 13:8

Among the cornerstones of the Jewish value system is a commitment to educating one’s children in the tradition of past generations.  Visit a Jewish home during the holidays and you will see parents giving over traditions, educating their children through various customs, practices and stories of the nation’s collective history.

At a time when so much is changing within a child’s life, memories and practices surrounding holidays can provide a sense of comfort.

In providing children with a sense of continuity and stability during the uncertainty and transition of their parents’ divorce, it is helpful for the divorce professional to glean further insight into the family’s religious practices and parenting preferences. This may be done by integrating the following considerations into conversations with parents:

• How have holidays been celebrated in the family up until this point?
• Do the parents share similar or divergent views regarding the children’s religious upbringing?
• Has either parent altered their manner of religious practice in recent years?
• Are certain holidays more important to one parent than to the other?
• Might the children prefer spending certain holidays with one parent or the other?

Getting Practical

A few further considerations to take into account when creating holiday schedules:

1. Distance Between Homes

In working with particularly observant families, it is necessary to take into account that during certain major holidays, vehicular travel is not permitted. Further, during these holidays, use of phones, email and writing apparatus is prohibited.

This is the case during the holidays of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, the first two days of Sukkot, Simchat Torah, Shemini Atzeret, the first two days and last two days of Pesach (Passover), Shavuot and the weekly Sabbath.

If parents live a considerable distance from one another, it may not be ideal to schedule a transfer between homes in the middle of a holiday. On the other hand, when co-parents do live within the same neighbourhood, it is not uncommon for parenting time to transition in the midst of a two day holiday with children walking between homes.

2. Work Schedules

Due to the fact that many of the Jewish holidays fall out during weekdays, it is advisable for parents to consider their professional commitments when arranging the holiday schedule. Particularly within more religious circles, it is common practice for schools to be closed for extended vacation time during the Jewish holidays, sometimes extending the closures for up to two or three days before or after the holiday itself. Some schools choose to close only for the Jewish holidays, remaining open during secular holiday time, while others close for both religious and secular holidays. These factors are all worth considering when delineating childcare responsibilities.

3. Gender Roles

Traditionally, there are certain aspects of Jewish religious practice which are considered specific to one gender or the other. It is worthwhile discussing with clients whether they feel this might impact their holiday schedule in any manner.

4. Extended Family

For many, the holidays are a time for visiting with extended family, whether relatives live in town or abroad. Are there particular holidays when one parent might want to travel with the children to see family? Are there holidays when family members will be in town whom the children might not have the opportunity to see otherwise?

Putting Pen to Paper – Potential Holiday Schedules

Over the course of this article, we have spent time discussing the uniqueness of each family’s needs and circumstances. Below are a number of potential scheduling structures that I have seen work well for families.

If you are unsure as to which arrangement might be best suited, consider setting up an interim schedule, building in a review period after six months or one year. At this point, after having experienced a trial period, co-parents will have gained a better sense of what worked (and didn’t work) for their family and more permanent arrangements can be made.

• Alternating Between Holidays

This arrangement allocates alternate consecutive holidays to each parent. Typically, this arrangement will be reproduced in an opposite effect each year, such that the children spend Rosh Hashana with Parent A during odd years and with Parent B during even years.

• Sharing Each Holiday

This arrangement is best suited to co-parents who live within close proximity to one another. This arrangement recognizes the possibility of splitting up two day holidays. As in the prior example, parents may choose to arrange that each year will reflect the opposite schedule to that of the year before.

• One Religious, One Secular

If it happens that one parent is religiously observant while the other is not, then parents might find their preferences in holiday time similarly reflected. The secular parent might prefer to spend time with the children when he or she is off work, while the more religiously observant parent prefers spending Jewish holidays with the children.

It is to be recognized that any number of hybrid configurations of the above suggestions might appeal to a given family. The beauty of an alternative dispute resolution process such as mediation is that it allows separating spouses to craft agreements that suit their family’s unique dynamics.

Maintaining Traditions, Creating New Memories, Putting the Children First

Religious expression is a matter which is intensely personal.

Amidst the multitude of emotions leading up to and following a divorce, it is not uncommon for individuals to find themselves grappling with the role that religion continues to play within their life.

Without a doubt, I know the following to be true. Holiday time is a conduit through which parents can build beautiful and lasting memories with their children. It is a time when the distractions of daily life are lifted and we are provided with a unique opportunity to foster meaningful connections through conversation, through undivided attention and through unhindered love for those who mean the most to us.

Carefully crafting a holiday parenting schedule is a first step in ensuring a peaceful and uplifting holiday season. The rest of the work lies in using religious expression to build connections, memories, togetherness and peace.

This holiday season, I wish you and your family joy and memories that you will cherish long into the future.

If you would benefit from assistance in crafting your own holiday co-parenting schedule and would appreciate a complimentary consultation, contact us here.
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