My Marriage is Over – Where Do I Go from Here?

Decades ago, getting divorced meant navigating a life event that was the exception from the norm. The divorcing individual was seen as traversing a unique path and breaking new ground. In contrast, today we are fortunate that when someone is going through the process there are others who have come before who have turned their experiences into resources for those who would come next. There are now social services, government supported resources, advocacy groups and educational initiatives dedicated to families in transition.

That said, each experience of divorce is unique and for most, the experience can feel akin to one who is walking into the darkness without a road-map or a light. The road is vast and intimidating. As with the fresh diagnosis of an illness, someone who is experiencing divorce is looking for answers, resources and information in an arena where they have no experience until they’re thrown head-first into crisis control.

Once a marriage has reached its functional end, there are questions that arise:

• How does one initiate a divorce?
• In what length of time will the divorce be finalized?
• How will property be divided?
• What is going to happen with the children?

Before plunging into the process, there are a number of recommended steps to take. Jot down all the concerns and questions you have. Clarify your starting point so that you can move forward strategically in your divorce. What questions do you need answered? What are your priorities? Mapping out your concerns will show you what information you need to find and from which various professionals you will need to seek expert opinions and advice.

With so much going on at the time of separation, identifying priorities is crucial. Consider the following steps as comparable to laying the groundwork of the rest of the divorce process. In setting yourself up for success, being intentional is akin to crafting a blueprint for success.

1.   Speak with a marriage or family therapist

Making the decision to end a marriage is a decision that arguably carries more weight than did the preceding decision to marry. Once children are involved, the effects of divorce are felt for years into the future. Is it time to end the relationship? Does an opportunity for reconciliation still perhaps exist? An experienced professional will be able to assist you in developing your thoughts and concerns. While the final decision to stay or leave is entirely in the hands of the individual and cannot be decided by anyone else, a therapist might offer insights or options worth considering while providing much needed support during this difficult time.

2.   Begin the process of finding a lawyer

The legal system is complex. Seeking independent legal advice will help you understand your legal options, obligations and rights. Many lawyers offer free half hour consultations. Consult with lawyers until you find one who is right for your situation. If finances are tight, you might qualify for free or subsidized legal representation through Legal Aid Ontario.

Alternatively, for those whose income is too high to qualify for Legal Aid and are looking for reduced fee legal representation, check out www.justicenet.ca or Ontario’s family law Limited Scope Services Project.

For information on finding the right lawyer for you, have a look at this article.

3.   Take stock of and secure your assets

Finances are a matter of tremendous strife as well as significant importance within the divorce process. Gather whatever financial documents and income tax returns you and your spouse own and make copies of them. Look through them to assess whether assets have disappeared or have been recently depleted. Open new personal bank accounts and apply for new credit cards in your own name. Speak with a financial professional who specializes in matrimonial finances for specific guidance.

4.   Consider children’s needs through objective eyes

The legal system’s test for determining children’s needs is to examine “the best interests of the child.” During the course of separation, it is unfortunate that parents all too often lose sight of their children’s needs, clouded by their own subjective concerns. Such disputes only harm the children. The process of familial transition requires parents to develop a new dynamic, learning to work as co-parents despite whatever emotional history might lie between themselves, for the sake of the children.

5.   Become aware of your emotional needs

During this emotionally draining and stressful time it is critical for individuals to prioritize their own emotional health and well-being. Only when one is feeling emotionally resilient can he or she find the strength to care for others. Find a mentor or friend in whom you can confide. Seek out support from a counselor, therapist or divorce coach, particularly if you experiencing feelings of anxiety or depression. Inform your family doctor of the recent transition. Find a constructive outlet. Build community. Take care of yourself.

6.   Inform your children’s teachers and school of the current situation

Where children are involved as a part of the family unit, the effects of transition are not lost on them. Inform your children’s caregivers of what is going on at home so that teachers and school administrators are able to best support your children through this time and to understand the reasons behind any sudden changes in children’s temperament or behavioral patterns.

7.   Ensure your and your children’s safety

Ensuring safety for yourself and your children is the most important step you might take in life. If you feel you are at risk, contact one of the resources listed here.

What other tips do you have for someone who is on the cusp of separation?
Share in the comments below!