Supporting Loved Ones Through Divorce

I remember the look on my dear friend’s face as though it were yesterday. It was one of shock, of pain, of utter loss. She sat there still and speechless, unsure of quite what to say. A hug, more tears, a few whispered words and the promise that she was but a call away if I needed anything at all. She had been the first stop after separating from my now ex-husband, all those years ago. Though I didn’t know at the time how I would get through tomorrow, I knew that I would need to call upon those closest to me for support in traversing the road ahead.

Since that time I have found myself looking on from a different vantage point, fielding calls from friends seeking advice on how to support another going through the process. Some of us are natural fixers, jumping in to pick up the slack and get the job done. Others are empaths. Still others simply find themselves at a loss and in the overwhelm turn the other way, hoping someone else will step in to take their place. Divorce is difficult to bear. It affects not only the nuclear family unit but oh so many hearts with whom that unit has become knitted. As with every challenge that befalls a loved one, divorce brings with it the opportunity to come together and offer the simplicity of love and support.

The difficult part is often knowing how.

Here I outline a number of practical suggestions for helping a friend or family member through their divorce. Sometimes that means just being there while at others it might mean jumping in and taking up a task. These suggestions are compiled both from personal experiences as well as others’ feedback on which efforts and words were most appreciated throughout their times of need. I offer it to you as a guide with the hope that it should bring comfort to all those who are involved.

1.   Ask Before You Act

It was important to me that this be included first. It’s a spin on the old adage “look before you leap,” in that every person and by extension family is unique. They come with their own sensitivities, struggles, abilities and fears. While one might welcome outside help, another might feel ashamed to accept such offerings. The most important at all times is that we listen for the message being given to us, both in its explicit terms as well as unsaid words. Divorce is messy, it’s complicated and it brings with it opportunity for much good to be done.

So my friends, ask how you might be of help – and then jump in.

2.   Just Listen

Have you ever found yourself thinking”I wish someone would just hear my pain?” Oftentimes this is all we want. One of our deepest human desires is to feel heard and understood, to be accepted for our thoughts and feelings, dreams and fears. In the midst of a divorce emotions roll in as waves onto a beach. At times they lap innocently, consistently coming in from afar. At others they roll in from the ocean’s depths, build

ing, growing, strengthening until they stand tall and foreboding; a wall of despair, anger, pain, ready to crash down upon us. The most difficult aspect of the experience is often the not knowing when the tide will change.

When speaking with someone who has expressed the need for support, I like to preface with the question “do you just want to feel heard right now or are you asking my help in finding answers?” This offers an opportunity to express one’s needs and whether they seek only a listening ear or direction. Someone going through the process is mourning the loss of the very person who was meant to be that ear and constant support. They are mourning dreams. Those who are scared will welcome a safe place to share their fears. If they seek only to feel heard than be willing to do so. Do not judge. Keep from comparing others’ hardships or stories of triumph to their own. Do not mitigate their pain or fears. Just be there with them, fully present, reflecting and validating. Tissues, tea and time – these are always welcome.

3.   No Judgement

Polarization and pointed fingers all too often become normative behaviours during divorce, however they are seldom found to be helpful. While the breakdown of a marriage is often fraught with emotion and pain for all those involved, the divorce process presents a choice in setting the tone as to how to now proceed. It is an opportunity to shift beyond old dynamics.

In supporting a loved one through divorce, offer valuation of their feelings without defaulting toward the blame game. Deescalation of conflict may be the one greatest benefit a family facing transition will reap. Remember that negative words affect all those involved  your loved one, the ex and most of all any children who find themselves caught in the middle. Instead, validate their feelings, help them to retain a pragmatic focus, to work within their current reality and to move forward. That reality may truly be difficult, an ex may even be difficult, but the power to choose to forgo judgment will always bring benefit.

4.   Leave Advising to the Pros

The gathering of advice on an array of topics is necessary throughout the divorce process and should be sought from experienced professionals who are trained in their fields. It is natural for one who is in the midst of a divorce to seek answers and next steps when they feel lost, however the greatest help that you can give them is to act within your expertise and offer support, referring their substantive questions out to experts. Laypeople who have experienced divorce firsthand or by extension of  another’s experience are often the first to step in and offer their advice to those now facing it themselves. Unless one is trained in law, finances, mental health or otherwise, their place should be offering support rather than advice. Lack of professional knowledge may often lead to inaccurate advice, which can have far reaching and detrimental effects if acted upon, taking significant time and money to correct.

If you view your friend continuing to seek advice and guidance of those in their inner circle, you might suggest they seek a referral to a qualified professional. Taking cues from their displayed needs you might suggest a consultation with a therapist, lawyer, divorce coach or other processional.

5.   Offer to Help Research Referrals

If you’ve been asked to step in and offer hands on help, researching resources and referrals can prove invaluable. While processing the emotional ramifications of a divorce and working to maintain stability in life’s other areas, the idea of hitting the internet to find a lawyer and arrange so many other logistics can feel overwhelming. Offering to do some of the online research or to discreetly seek out referrals and resources will help move the process along while saving the time that research tends to take. Once this information has been gathered and passed along, consultations are easily arranged and resources can be more swiftly accessed.

6.  Offer Household Help

Have you offered to drop off dinner upon hearing that a friend gave birth or is sick in bed? Often the same physical needs are overlooked when a family is facing crisis. While a newfound single parent juggles as much as school, a job, child rearing, appointments and more, household tasks are often the areas that are quite literally moved to the back burner. With only so many hours in a day, these become areas where others can truly step in to pick up some of the extra pieces.

Ask what would be helpful if provided. Perhaps you could bring over dinner once a week for a little while or invite the family over for a weeknight or special occasion meal. Maybe you’re in a financial position to cover a few hours of cleaning help. Do you have teenagers who could help mowing a neighbour’s lawn or bringing garbage bins to the curb? Offer specific tasks and times that you’re able to help out, but also be proactive and call up offering your help on occasion in case things have become hectic.

7.   Care for Their Kids

This one plays double duty – it allows an overwhelmed parent the opportunity to get things done or to rest while also ensuring kids stay busy and cared for. Children who are experiencing the end of their parents’ marriage crave stability and belonging. To be able to hang out with friends during this time allows them to leave the home and their own worries for short amounts of time to reconnect with friends and other adults who have their best interests at heart.

Here again there are many ways that help can be offered. You might offer to cover carpools or have the kids over for an after school play-date. If you’re close enough with the family then you might offer to take them shoe shopping or for haircuts. If you’ve got older kids in your own household encourage them to offer free tutoring or babysitting. Perhaps you’re available to go over and help with bedtime if you don’t have other obligations. Again, ask what would be of help in accordance with your availability.

8.   Include Them in the Community

Holidays, school events and community programs can prove tough especially for kids from divorced homes. Themes such as mother-daughter brunches and father-son sports activities can leave a parent or child feeling alone when they aren’t able to join in the assumed pairing due to parenting schedules. Programs geared to the nuclear family can leave any mismatched community members feeling singled out.

You might reach out and invite them to join your family for an event or take their child with you if the assumed parent isn’t available that night. Where a parent is without their kids during a particular weekend, invite them to join with you anyway. Keep them informed of events even if you think they might not have otherwise come. The opportunity to turn down an invitation always feels better than never having received one and offers an extra token of caring.

9.   Find Support for Yourself

When your own cup runs dry it becomes impossible to pour into others. Watching a loved one endure divorce is tough for all those who are involved. While the above suggestions offer proactive examples for giving of oneself it is also important to ensure that your own are cared for. This will allow you to maintain your resilience so that you might continue to give. Having a friend to talk to or a therapist with whom to share can prove to be life-giving resources, allowing you to truly be the support your loved ones need.

What have you received in a time of need that you would now pay forward?
What help do you wish had been offered?
Please join the conversation and share in the comments below.